undividedspirit

I’ve seen a couple posts on Instagram that have been around singleness in the church and it’s made me reflect on my own singleness, what that felt like, what the messages I received in the church were about singleness. Quite honestly, as a single woman in the church, I felt uncomfortable. I felt ‘less than’ my married sisters, less holy, less mature as a Christian and less valuable. My interpretations of what I saw and heard in the church was that the married women were the ‘chosen people’; they were the ‘holy nation’ and God’s ‘special possession’. They had, from my perspective of what the church was saying, attained to some larger measure the fullness of God’s favour, love and blessing in their lives. That until I was a married woman, I’d never truly be one of the ‘in-crowd’ at church and I couldn’t be welcomed into the hypothetical ‘front row’. This was partly due to my own massive insecurities as a young woman but, was also, a part of the messaging for young people. Now that I am a married woman, married to a husband who isn’t a front-row-at-church kinda guy, I can see I how silly my feelings were. That even if the people in church believed that being married was a higher state, that what God believes matters so much more.

The church I am in now is a lot more reflective of God’s heart, I believe. I don’t think there is subliminal messaging that the single people should be married. I do believe that in my current church, singleness is appreciated and respected. Being single is, for some people, a good thing, part of their holy walk with God. For some, can I say, there is an ache, a longing for someone to hold them, look for them among the throng, walk beside them, and touch them during worship/ the sermon. There certainly was for me. I wanted so badly to be married. I was searching for belonging in every place, church with a Christian man, and when that seemed to fail: in every other place too. Clearly, NOT how one should approach marriage. I was such a hurting person who loved Jesus but was so broken that nobody seemed to know what to do with me, including me. Church seemed to be a place for the already held, redeemed, or rather: the-never-broken. That was the kind of women the young men were looking for, not the traumatised and insecure. But, I do think that God never allowed me human acceptance, human saving because it wasn’t secure enough. He never allowed me marriage back then because those men wouldn’t have been able to deal with me, or my past. He never allowed any human being to be a ‘safe-place’ for me because only He was going to be that person.

If you are single, and you know you need to find healing from past trauma but think marriage will ‘save you’, it won’t. Debra Filetra posted this about marriage (I am paraphrasing): “Marriage exposes our wounds. We can choose to either get out of there or lean into it. God reveals what He intends to heal.” And I think that applies to both married and single women. That at every, and all, stages of our lives there is discomfort. In our single state, we hurt and think ‘if only marriage, then…” and when we are married we think, “If only I’d known then how hard this was, I’d have enjoyed being single more…”. Or “I wish I could tell the single women around me what it is really like”. But of course, even if I could explain it well-enough, they’d think: “It wouldn’t be like that for me. I’d be more grateful than you.” I hope you would! Because some days, I find it very hard to love my spouse. There is nothing wrong with him. I know that there is something wrong with me. No, that is not quite true either… There is quite a bit wrong with him. And quite a bit wrong with me. There is ugliness in each of us and, often, between us.

He thinks we should both just ‘be happy’ and what I think that means is that it is my job to keep him happy, as well as myself, and the kids. There have been seasons, long seasons where I don’t like being around my husband. I don’t want to touch him, or be touched by him. I don’t want more communication or closeness, I want to be left alone, which seems to be the one thing he hates the most, my wanting to be separate, to isolate myself. I don’t want to be asked to do something. I don’t want discussions. I read in marriage books about how wives desire connection and how men need to give their wives attention, affection and quality time, and I’m like ‘heck no’. Where in the world do these marriage counsellors get these notions? (They’re all men by the way). Do women really want more of their husbands? Because that isn’t what I’m gathering from the wives I know. They’d all like less and it is the husband who wants more engagement, more help finding his socks, helping him with his every thought, enjoying his every pass-time with him, from watching golf, to how he wants his eggs. Men, seem to stay the same from five to fifty. They can manage their own socks and shoes (with difficulty), don’t take their vitamins (unless cagoled), neglect their personal hygiene (if allowed) watch too much TV (if allowed), and want their mom or wife to “watch this” and tell them what clever boys they are and how much we love them. Oh dear, cynical much?

Yet, the flip side of the coin is that they are quite capable in some areas, like taking your car to get its tyres changed/ rotated, getting the car serviced (and knowing what all the lights on the dash mean – I’m like who cares? I’ll know when it is broken. It won’t work). Husbands are good at carrying heavy things, putting kids bikes in and out of cars, feeding the dog, talking to other men (something I don’t enjoy). What about sex? Yes, they are useful for getting rid of sexual urges in a safe space devoid of shame, but as one ages, the hormones that give you that want sex feeling, well, they dissipate. Also, it becomes harder to feel sexually for someone who needs you to change the toilet role, buy the toothpaste, book his dentist appointments and remind to wash his hands after a number two (yes, with soap). In the middle years of marriage developing that friendship becomes important because if he isn’t your friend, you are his mother, and your hormones are dive-bombing, well… You get the picture.

What I am trying to say is, being single is hard, it hurts and marriage is hard, it hurts. You’re asking to exchange one pain for a different pain. There is no shangri-la, relationally speaking. Romance and passion is something male marriage counsellors write about “keeping alive”. What do you do then? In a marriage, keep pressing in, get used to being in (almost constant) pain. When you are single, lean in, get used to being in pain because neither state is easy. And sure I see the couples who seem to be so happy and in love, the newly-weds, that one pastor and his wife, the one elderly couple who’ve been married 50 years and still hold hands, they are the exception and not the rule. Really the question isn’t what do people think of me? Or what will they think of me if I’m honest about my experience? It is what will Jesus think? What does Jesus want for me? Faithfulness, long-suffering, endurance, forbearance, patience, self-control, kindness, gentleness, forgiveness (77 x 7 forgiveness) and asking Him for more grace to do this stage well, to live in a way that pleases Him. How can I please you today, Lord? In my singleness or in my married state.

In singleness and marriage there are long seasons of figuring out what is wrong. It can be easy to think if I had a husband that would fix it, or if my husband was different it would fix it, but often it is something else. If you are hurting or cold or hopeless, or angry, or grieved, find out what is wrong. I’ve had to walk away from my tomb and into the sunshine and let Jesus clean away the stink of death on me. I’ve had to FORGIVE my husband for failing me, betraying me, hurting me and entrust my heart to Jesus, again, and again. And I’d have had to do that in singleness too. Entrust myself to Jesus. It is hard. My whole self wants self-sufficiency/ a fantasy because the real situation can seem unbearable. Escaping our condition isn’t the answer. Embracing it in its messy state and saying yes, Jesus, speak, your servant is listening. I am willing to do the heard thing, go first, obey You, whatever that looks like. Being celibate? Yes Lord. Facing my trauma? Yes Lord. Forgiving my husband and asking You to give me a supernatural ability to love and forgive him? Yes Lord. Help me Jesus to do this hard thing. To do it daily. to rely on you daily for grace to do this hard thing. Not my will but Yours.

And what about church and dealing with: “Why aren’t you married?” Answer: “Because Jesus hasn’t given me the go-ahead”. Sure we don’t have to answer to people in church: “Why stay married?” But in the secular world we do have to answer that question. We have to answer it in our own hearts because (spoiler alert) marriage is just as hard as being single. The answer: “Because Jesus…” Because Jesus said I must forgive. Because Jesus says love looks like 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Because Jesus says Philippians 2:3-8. Because Jesus. Bizarrely, when we entrust ourselves to Jesus and rely on His supernatural ability to deal with our circumstances, the burden gets lighter, obedience leads to blessing Every. Single. Time. You can trust Him. He is faithful. When the questions asked in church are silly. When the questions asked on social media are silly. When people fail you. He is faithful. When you fail you. He is faithful.

When He called my name, I walked out of that grave. I couldn’t carry that kind of weight. It was my tomb till I met You. I’ve walked out of darkness and into His glorious day (lyrics to “Glorious Day” by Passion). Today you can too. Whatever state you are in: married, single, divorced, cheated-on, the cheater, angry, lost, broken. No matter what, Jesus can take you and make you whole. There is no condemnation in Him. He comes not to condemn the world but to save the world through Him. Your way hasn’t worked out. Your ways of coping haven’t helped you. I know who can, come on, follow me… Oh and by the way, He changed my circumstances when I let Him change me first.