So you know I’ve been frustrated, frustrated because of sin, frustrated because whatever I try I fail at. Well, I think I have had my condition identified by the Great Physician. I have been “kicking against the goads”.

Yesterday, I met with one of the pastors after church to talk about making the announcements in church, taking up the offering and I can even say something about the offering! WHAT?!?! Moi? And I’ve been thinking, surely God will kick me off that ‘pedestal’ because He knows what and who I am. Who I have been and struggle to not be. I have been burdened by condemnation and shame. The message the pastor spoke yesterday morning was about Grace and Truth. How the letter kills but the Spirit gives life, because in Christ there is grace and truth. I have felt hamstrung by truth but that’s because I’ve not been living in grace. After he had finished speaking, he prompted the congregation to ask the Lord what lies we believe. As I sat with my head bowed and eyes closed I felt like He was saying: “This is how I see you: as though you had never sinned, as though that isn’t you at all. I see you as pure, radiant, anointed”. Still my heart says back: but I still sin, Lord. I am still tempted. I still struggle with feelings of condemnation, irritation and unforgiveness. I am still so selfish.

While I was waiting for the pastor, there were some ladies who had come forward for prayer and all the people on the prayer ministry team were busy. These ladies were hanging, looking lost, so I went over to the first and asked if I could pray for her. She looked so relieved and so, I loved on her. It came so easily and naturally because I could see, she was like me, a beloved daughter who struggles to believe she is accepted. I prayed all the things I felt God had been saying to me, how He sees us as unblemished, beautiful, pure and so loved. I could feel the deep compassion He has for her (and me). That, to Him, we are not what we do. As I was praying that for her, He touched my heart to look up and look at Him. To think His thoughts: “Where are your accusers? (They’re gone)… I do not accuse you either. Go, and sin no more.” I’ve always thought, oh ok, go and sin no more… Ja, right. But this is the WORD, the Word that spoke the world into being. When He says, “Pick up your mat and walk”, well, you do that, even if your mind is telling you, you can’t. He isn’t speaking a word of condemnation, like: here is another task ahead of you that you are ill-equipped to fulfil. NO! This is a divine command of power that makes it so. She can go, and she can sin no more because of the Word of power. “And in view of this, we always pray for you that our God will consider you worthy of His calling, and will, by His power, fulfil every desire for goodness and the work of faith” 2 Thessalonians 1:11. In serving this woman, I could take me eyes off myself. In taking my eyes off myself I could look at Jesus, in looking at Jesus, I could see Truth and Grace. “I do not condemn you either”.

I can fulfil my calling. I can use my gifts of exhortation. Yes, I’ve been around ya know but that’s ok, it doesn’t count me out. It makes me divinely appointed to not condemn the sinful woman, because I know the Word He spoke to me, and speaks to her. I, like her, can sin no more, because He says so. I have been holding back, feeling unworthy to step up and fulfil this calling and instead, in-spite of my unworthiness, or better yet, because of it, I can be at the front of the church and speak a word of encouragement to the church. I can put my hand up and be a blessing to His body, and I can be considered worthy of His calling.

In my study this morning, Beth Moore writes:
We kick against the goads when we resist our God-ordained destinies. The more we ignore His will for His works, the more discontented and out of sorts we’ll be. Sometimes we can misread our squirming as discontent with our human relationships. If you’re married and dissatisfied, don’t leave your husband, embrace your calling. (Children of the Day bible study workbook)

My frustration has been misdirected. I’ve been allowing the lies of my unworthiness to take me out of the game. No more. Onwards and Upwards.