I had a “low” January. I believe that I am not the only one. I heard a friend say: “What a long year January 2020 was”. My husband got a stomach-flu thing. Our son had just started school, for the first time. I was celebrating some time alone when our son got an ear infection and an upper respiratory infection. I then had my husband and toddler sick at home for a week before I started with a sinus infection and cough. I was keeping myself and my husband awake coughing all night so I moved into the spare room. Our son got better and went back to school and then got food poisoning from the chicken nuggets we bought at the kebab shop. He then missed school again. I’ve been cooking a variety of meals for a toddler who refuses to eat anything except fruit, yoghurt, ice cream and biscuits (for my American friends, those are cookies, not “biscuits”). I’ve been coming up with activities to play indoors because it has been raining for weeks. My husband couldn’t help much because when he wasn’t working he was sick, and tired. We are in, yet another, foreign country far away from friends and family and I don’t have a support network to rely on. I got myself into a funk. I started to feel like the whole world was resting on my shoulders, how unappreciated I am, how inadequate I am (I don’t have a job and I only have one kid, I mean seriously, it is not that hard, surely).

So I turned to books, consistently one of the greatest pleasures of my life, and read Erin Loechner’s “Chasing Slow”. Erin Loechner writes beautifully, painting wonderful word-pictures. Reading her book, I found myself thinking: I wish I could write like that. Maybe, with lots more practice, I will. In her book, among many other life experiences that she turns in to valuable life lessons, she talks about going surfing with a colleague who advises her: “Next time, less you and more water”. Basically saying, that she, Erin, shouldn’t try so hard. That the wave has the power and she should, simply, let that help her up. I was like: “Eureka!” The wave has the power. I have been paddling and paddling, trying to catch a wave, when there hasn’t been any surf. And, actually, I could have been spending my time just sitting, or lying, on my board and letting the water buoy me. Really, the above difficulties, were not true suffering, just light and momentary troubles (2 Corinthians 4:17). I first heard Beth Moore say this, and it is alarmingly true, that we have a first-world tendency to treat minor inconveniences (such as stomach-flu and colds) as biblical-level suffering.

I am now reading: “Joy Fixes for Weary Parents” by Erin Leyba where she reminds us that gratitude is life-changing. This is a well-researched book, written by a trained psychologist, which sites study after study proving that practicing being grateful makes our lives happier, healthier, more meaningful, and positively impacts those around us. Of course, the Bible has been saying this for 2000+ years.
1 Thessalonians 5:18: “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”.
Colossians 3:15 “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.”
Psalms 107:22: “Let them (those redeemed by the Lord) sacrifice thank offerings and tell of His works with joy.”
So why do I find this so hard to do? Why, when I am being thankful, gratitude doesn’t seem to reach my heart. I am even sarcastic sometimes, when I am being grateful, saying things like: “Thank you for another day of feeling like crap and having to do all the housework, look after a toddler, and stimulate said toddler, while it rains outside, and my husband is too tired to help”. Not exactly what the Bible means, I don’t think.

Erin Leyba talks specifically about finding joy in the little moments, in the mundane, and in the tiniest slivers of things to be grateful for. To talk about and focus on those things, making much of them, including writing them down. For example, saying to your toddler: “Well done! You identified a triangle on our walk! You are getting so smart. Mommy loves taking walks with you and hearing all the things you’ve learned already”. To your partner: “Thanks so much for hanging up the washing. It was such a nice surprise. Thank you for helping me. I really appreciate you.”  This has a knock-on effect of making you more inclined to notice the little things about your child: kisses, unexpected leg-hugs, smiles, funny looks, the beginnings of wit and attempts at jokes. With your husband, him getting up three times last night because your toddler couldn’t find his dummy (pacifier). Him getting your toddler dressed for school without being asked, the fact that he unpacks the dishwasher most days and makes the bed every single morning.

So I started to think about where I was paddling needlessly, with great energy, instead of simply catching the waves. Symbolically, to me, the wave is the Spirit of Jesus, His sustaining power is the wave beneath me. I need to do my part and stand up, but surfing is also about watching and calculating: is this the right wave to catch, does it have the power to propel me forward? With my thoughts, I can watch them and calculate, is this the right way to think: “Don’t worry, I will do everything, you just sit and enjoy the PGA cup, or Fedex Cup, or whatever bloody cup it is!” With my toddler, remembering that this one precious, miracle, who may be my only flesh-and-blood baby, is a gift, that he will only be two years old once. That this time with my husband in a foreign country, just him, me and our son, is precious time that we will never get back. Here I am, focused on laundry, sleep (or the lack thereof) endless games of peekaboo, play doh, food prep and the rejection of the food I prepped, saying “no” to ice creams and chocolate biscuits twenty times a day, when instead, I could have my eyes on what is going on above these minute details. God is blessing me right now, today, with this toddler and this husband and so, instead of a sarcastic thank you, I can say: “Thank You. Thank You for these two wonderful people. Unique and healthy, sweet and strong. Thank You for my partner for life, for giving me the man I begged you for, thank You for a partner to parent with, a man I get to pray with for our son and our families, a man who earns a good living and wants me to write, and do yoga and be happy, every day… You are too good to me. I am sorry for being an ungrateful, grumbling, disputing woman. Thank You for being patient with me and not treating my ingratitude as it deserves. Instead, You continually supply me with good things.”

Then I started to ask myself: why I was striving and working so hard at being a stay-at-home mother? It was like I was a donkey being ridden uphill, by an angry man in a hurry? Who was this angry man? And, why was I a donkey and not a elegant show-pony? This is, unfortunately, the story of my life. I’ve pretended to be a show-pony sometimes and it always ended badly. I just don’t have the long legs. I realized that I’ve been trying to prove myself. Prove that I am a good mother. That I deserve “the badge of motherhood”. So that the naysayers and the haters would stand back and say, “Wow, she’s actually got this. I didn’t think she had it in her”. That’s pretty sad and pathetic, I know. So, I have decided to accept that I am a donkey. (By the way, have you ever noticed what lovely eyes donkey’s have?) I am not the perfect mother. Confession time: I didn’t cook all weekend. I just stuck various types of crumbed chicken in the oven. My son ate biscuits and strawberries, all weekend, while I ate all his crumbed chicken. I am going to mess up and it is ok. There will always be people to judge us but they are not The Judge. I only have to please one person and that is Jesus. He isn’t angry and He isn’t in a hurry. We can take it slow up the hill. He enables me to fulfill what He has called me to do. He does not enable me to fulfill my own calling to impress the audience, who may or may not even be watching. From now on, I am a surfing donkey.