undividedspirit

My husband and I have been married for five years. Just writing that brings up so many memories and emotions surrounding our shared experiences over these last five years: our wedding day, our biggest fights, our families, our friends, our journey to becoming parents and all the places we have been together. We have been through a lot together. I have learned a lot being married to my husband, especially how deeply flawed he is. That was a joke. Being married for five years has required me facing up to how deeply flawed I am: my pride, weakness toward self-pity and self-reliance. Marriage is tough. It is worth it, but it is tough. You never believe anyone when they tell you that, until you are in it, then you know. From the bit of marriage that I’ve experienced and from what I read, marriage is not something you ever say, “right, we’ve finally got a handle on this, from here on it is smooth sailing.” It is always work, and when you get weary and stop working at it, you just leave yourself with more work to catch up on later. To quote a dear friend, Jerry, who has been married to his wonderful wife, Janice, for fifty-three years: “The first fifty years was hard work!”

Marriage is a big thing to God and in order to find the strength, patience and perseverance to have a strong marriage, we need Jesus. I need Jesus, big time. So, I read and listen to marriage material by other Christians because that is my foundation for life. But, my problem is that, most material in Christian marriage circles is along the lines of: one pastor’s kid, marries another pastor’s kid at the age of twenty-one and they grow up together; having their own kids at twenty-five. They’ve never smoked, got drunk, or had sex with anyone else. They were from bible-believing Christian homes themselves. Their parents support them in biblical concepts of marriage and so on. I think you get my drift. This is not where my husband and I come from but I have seen God do a new work in both of us, something that when I consider who we used to be, is a miracle. God changes people. He changes husbands and wives, actually mostly wives (this time I am not joking). I have prayed so much over my husband and our marriage and God has answered my prayers.

My husband was a non-Christian when we got married. Yes, I was “unequally yoked” (2 Corinthians 6:14). I had lived my life before I was married totally divided against myself. On the one hand, I believed strongly in God but I also believed that He was stern, harsh, and rules-orientated. I believed that if I wanted a good life, defined in my mind as: a husband, children, finances to enjoy family holidays and a beautiful home then I would have to get that for myself because God was not in to those things. (Oh Eve, why you have to go and do that, ah-huh?) I believed that God is concerned with God-things and in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul, one who is trustworthy in the Lord, says it is better to remain unmarried and be about the Lord’s business than concern oneself with pleasing a husband. I interpreted that to mean that God would not want me to be married. Nevermind that a lot of the Bible talks about marriage in the highest terms and God Himself calls the church “his bride”. I didn’t think that God is/ was concerned with my heart and with my happiness. I didn’t think God would want to build my life, not tear it down. I didn’t know He was about abundance and over-flowing blessings, as well as, holiness and obedience. I certainly didn’t know that holiness and obedience was the road to true pleasure and abundance. I was deceived. If you think that about God, then you are deceived too. My thus divided mind led to depression at various times in my life, not least, right before we got married. My life took a dramatic turn five months before we were married where I faced such demonic oppression and soul-sickness that I had my ultimate, face-down: “Your way, not my way anymore, Lord” moment and my mind and heart are undivided now. Hence the name of my blog.

Right, so here we are, five months away from getting married and I take a sharp 180 degree turn in my life. I have a radical hysterectomy and we face the chance that we may not be parents of our biological children. In that time I had released my grip on my expectations, not least on my then to-be husband, and told the Lord that if this marriage was not His will for me, I would give up my fiancé. It almost destroyed me to face giving up my six-year relationship, impending marriage, while coping with a cervical cancer diagnosis all in a few month period, but, I found I didn’t break. Inside me, there was a river of peace, that while the storm was raging above, I was cocooned, in a way. (Please don’t think that I didn’t have total breakdowns anyway, I did. I was doing mourning in biblical proportions, just without the sackcloth and ashes). Somehow though, my fiancé stayed and God took mercy on me a foolish and rebellious woman. I sometimes wonder if His grace had taken all my sin into account to lead me to my husband so that He could have mercy on us both. That is super deep. I’ll find out when I get to heaven.

Here we are, two married people. One of us still recovering from major physical and emotional stress, plus a new disciple of Christ Jesus. My new husband… is a new husband dealing with a new wife, who is well, damaged goods. Redeemable, certainly, but I was pretty banged up. My new husband did not know how to be a husband, yet, and I did not know how to be a wife either, so we went through some really rocky patches. Divorce was highly probable in the first two years that we were married. We also both drank too much alcohol in those days and our fights were sometimes worthy of the Jerry Springer show. But, although we have struggled, God has honored my prayers that: He would bind us together as a three-stranded cord us and Him, not easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12); that “God would build my house or else we labor in vain” (Psalm 127:1). I claimed this promise as my own: “My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest” (Isaiah 32:18).

One of the first things that God had to do with me was break my fear of my husband’s disapproval. I remember one time when I was wrestling coming clean to my husband about something I had said to someone that I shouldn’t have, and experiencing this intense fear and anxiety and the Lord speaking in to my spirit: “Who are you more afraid of displeasing, Me or him?” He knew the answer was that I was far more concerned with pleasing my husband. I had to learn obedience to the Lord, face possible confrontation and risk making my husband angry in order to please God. I had to learn to balance this with ” submitting to my husband, as is fitting in the Lord” (Colossians 3:18). To say I was confused and frustrated at times is an understatement. My poor, unbelieving husband, must have thought I had gone off the deep-end and probably asked himself many times, how he had ended up with this woman.

So, lesson no. 1: be honest with your husband, even if he might get angry with you. This is a lot harder than it sounds but it has been essential in my husband coming to know Jesus. Even if he thinks you are crazy, try to express what you are thinking and feeling, the turmoil you feel inside, the pain of wanting to please the Lord, and him. (This whole time I kept thinking, that’s why He says do not be unequally yoked, it is not for His benefit, it is for yours, you dummy).

What is important to God is that, in every way, the gospel is made attractive to people (Titus 2:10), so employing wisdom is essential. I needed to show my husband that God’s ways were not in opposition to his authority over me. I messed up a lot in the beginning being too strong with my: “this is in the Bible and I am doing it!” Or stupidly, going behind my husband’s back to do what was in the bible, and then having to be fess-up and cause more friction. That was also in the in time I learned to trust God with my husband. I obeyed my husband, for example, in not tithing, because he forbade it. Instead I learned to pray that God would give His ways favor with my husband. I now pray, Lord, if it is your will, then please bring him around or, I know this is your will because it says so in your word, so please deal with him. And He does.

Lesson no. 2: be respectful to your husband and show him honor. Show him he pleases you. Praise him. I think it was Joyce Meyer who first introduced the concept to me, to simply, employ good manners. Say please and thank you. Treat your husband like you would treat an honored guest in your home. Even if it sets your teeth on edge sometimes, be sweet: “Can I make you a cup of tea?” Speak well of him to everyone. Let me say that again, speak well of him to EVERYONE. I still complain about my husband but, very seldom, do I complain to friends and family, now I take his faults and failures straight to the top! Thank your husband often. Even if he does nothing to help you that day but put his boxers in the wash basket, for the first time ever, say thank you. I read Respect and Love by Dr Emerson Eggerichs and it was helpful in fleshing this concept out for me. This may be the right place to mention that you should initiate sex with your husband. It stands to reason that, if your husband is getting more love, respect, honor, gratitude and praise from you, then your marriage will be better and a lot less friction will occur.

Lesson no. 3: (builds on the above principle) you are now one flesh. That means you and your husband are a part of each other. It is like he is your bad back, or your flat feet, or your eczema 😀 The principle here, which I am borrowing from The Love Dare by Alex and Stephen Kendrick (also highly recommended), is that if your body part is hurting, like, your back, for example. You get a little cushion to prop behind you. You do stretches and core strength training to support your back. You put those pain-relief sticky pads on it. You pay for physical therapy. You go for massages. You rub your back. You soak in a warm tub. You prop pillows under your knees when you nap so your spine is in an ergonomic position. You get the idea. Your spouse is something to tend to and care for. When it (he/ she) is hurting you love it up, extra. You maintain it because you know it is weak (human: fragile and vulnerable, like you) and your back is a part of you, you may grumble about it but you accept that, you can’t change it. You can have major surgery but you can’t change it, only, possibly, improve it. And whoever told you can’t improve your husband, lied, you can. You can give your back the five-star treatment all your life, making it the best it can be, scoliosis and all. So too, you can give your husband the same five-star treatment all his life/ yours (whichever comes first) and thereby help him be the best he can be. If you can grasp this principle, then you might be able to use your selfishness (I am talking to myself here), to treat your husband really, really well.

Lesson no. 4: do not complain about your husband to your mother, or your step-mother, or your sister. I know we shouldn’t complain to our girlfriends either but maybe just a little now and then, so they don’t think you are one of those: “I’m so perfect” women (because then you would have no friends). Anyway, complaining to your mother is a no go. Been there and done that and it took years to rectify that mistake. You are no longer closer to your mother than to your husband, no matter how close you are to your mom. He is closer. Even if you don’t feel like he is closer, fake it. Which leads me to the next lesson…

Lesson no. 5: you both need to leave your mother and father. You need to no longer see yourself as their son or daughter first and foremost. You need to stop yourself from feeling more secure in their unconditional love than in your husband’s or wife’s. You have come to rely on your parents loyalty to you throughout your life and so, your mom and dad are your safe place but, you cannot have a safe place that does include your husband or wife. We both struggled with this. Our parents struggled with this. We had to have marriage counseling to help us to come to grips with how to combine the love, respect and loyalty we have to our parents and have healthy boundaries for our marriage. If you struggle with this, know that it takes time to change wrong mindsets and habits. With prayer, patience and practice this will become easier. It took five years for us to find our feet with having in laws. We still have room for improvement, but, we have achieved a healthy balance of honoring our mothers and fathers and putting each other first. For help with boundaries, I highly recommend: Boundaries: When to Say Yes How to Say No To Stay In Control of Your Life” by Henry Cloud. An important note here is that in Exodus 20:12 God commands us to “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” The marriage must come first but we cannot, as Christians, neglect the needs of our parents or in laws. See this article by Tim Challies for more on honoring your mother and father. 

Lesson no. 6: your husband does not think like you, and he never will. For some reason we marry people who are not like us. They don’t think like us. They think that we are wrong and we think they are wrong. My husband is a slow, methodical thinker. He doesn’t make decisions quickly and he likes to talk things over, and over and over again. I think fast. I jump to conclusions. I make split second decisions and learn to regret them later. Sitting and talking things through with my husband is sometimes challenging. I am learning to think according to helpful scriptures when I find myself getting edgy.

Lesson no. 7: if you find your husband highly annoying and have a list of a dozen things that he does that drive you crazy, well, girlfriend, the problem is not him, it is you. As Joyce Meyer said: “God is not interested in changing everyone so they won’t irritate you anymore, He is interested in changing you so you won’t be so irritable.”

Lesson no. 8: make an effort with your appearance. Do not misunderstand me. This is not the Stepford Wives, I do not mean, always have styled hair and some make-up on. What I mean is: eat right most of the time; exercise; drink plenty water; shower daily (this can be challenging as a stay-at-home-mom – do not judge me!);  shave your legs and underarms; use deodorant and buy clothes that flatter you. Looking, a little bit, like the woman he married is important. It has the added bonus of making you feel better too.

Lesson no. 9: find personal fulfillment. Daily time alone with Jesus before everyone else gets up is essential for me. Learn something. Do something creative. Whatever your budget you can do something that brings personal satisfaction. Bible study is inexpensive and will change your life. Please do yourself a favor and research a bible study that excites you. Lifeway.com is a great resource for this. Yoga on youtube.com is a great way to calm the mind, energize the body and tone that booty. There is something for everyone at every level and all you need to buy is an inexpensive yoga mat. If you can afford to go to a yoga studio and practice with real live teachers, then by all means, do that but my point is, personal fulfillment does not have to cost a lot of money. Doing things that fulfill you personally will make you nicer to live with, and more interesting.

Lesson no. 10: you are not the Holy Spirit. You are not responsible for your husband’s spiritual growth. Ruth Graham (Billy Graham’s wife) said: “It is my job to love and respect him; it is God’s job to make him good.” Get out of God’s way. He is better at changing people than you.

Scriptures that I memorized to help me to think better and act better and thus be a better wife:

Philippians 2:3-4
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Ephesians 4:29
“Let no unwholesome words ever pass your lips, but let all your words be good for benefiting others according to the need of the moment, so that they may be a means of blessing to the hearers.”
Romans 15:7
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”
Luke 6:38
“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
Psalm 62:7
“My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.”
Psalm 27:10
“Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.”
Jeremiah 17:10
“I, the LORD, search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.”
James 1:2-3
“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”
2 Corinthians 10:5
“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

I must add here: if you are in an abusive situation, where you are not free to be your own person/ if your husband is violent towards you/ if you are afraid of him/ he is an angry, aggressive, nasty person, then you need professional help. The above article is based on the premise that your husband is a good guy and your lives are pretty much an open-book to outsiders. If this is not the case then please get in touch with Focus on The Family. They have counselors trained to help in these situations and they can direct you to a marriage counselor in your area. You don’t have to have marriage counseling with your husband, even if he won’t go, it is still a valuable experience. If you are not able to contact Focus on The Family then contact your local church, they will be able to recommend a marriage counselor in your area. If you don’t attend a church then call the local methodist church/ presbyterian church/ a Church of God in your area and ask them to direct you to a counselor.