Dear one,

I have been thinking a lot about winning and losing lately. We women tend to like to win. Now, I know that is typically seen as a masculine feature but, really, the way women win or lose is a lot more subtle (and damaging) isn’t it? We want to be first in our man’s life; we want to be first in our kids lives, but it started earlier that that when we wanted to be our parent’s favorite or the popular-girl-at-school’s “best” friend. I have not met a single woman in whom I have not seen this spirit of competition. I think, if you are completely honest with yourself, you can admit that you compete and compare yourself with other women too. The thing about trying to “win” over another woman, is that always you end up losing.

James 4: 1-3 says this: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but you do not have, so you kill.” (We women kill with our words, usually behind her back, but sometimes to her face; or with “looks that kill”, goading our enemy).
Philippians 2:3 says: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather in humility value others above yourselves.”
Is it just me or is this like: “Woah, really?” Value her above me?

In speaking to women I have discovered that conflict between mothers-in-law (MILs) and daughters-in-law (DILs) is most women’s most severe relational battleground. It is the most difficult relationship most women ever face because, for most of us, it is for a lifetime, you have to keep seeing her and, the people you are fighting for control over, are usually the most important people in her life, and in yours. They say, men marry their mothers, and if there is anything we despise more is seeing our own character flaws in others. I am blessed to have a wonderful MIL but we have had our ups and downs, and conflicts, and I think she’d admit that adapting to her DILs who both have very different personalities to her, and different personalities to each other, has been challenging at times. I am going to try to shed some light on how to handle this relationship and please God in it. To allow this relationship to change us, for the better, making us more Christlike. Did I say us? I mean change me.

Scenario 1: Your MIL is not like you. She thinks differently to you. You feel like she looks down on you. She has openly questioned your choices about: numbers at the wedding, to when to have babies, to whether you work or don’t, even down to how you cook a pork roast. She makes you feel inadequate, like her son could have done better than you. You worry, what if her opinion starts to rub off on him and he starts to see you through her eyes? There is, after all, no one whose opinion matters to him like hers. He has told you that himself. He plainly adores her and her him. You find ways to distance yourself from your husband’s family. Your husband doesn’t want conflict in his home so he goes along with it, maybe he loves you and wants you to see that, to him, you come first (what a gem). You see your parents every weekend and see his family once or twice a year. When you are around your MIL, you keep very quiet so she will know the you don’t like her and to keep her “on edge”. You are openly critical of your husband’s family, including, criticizing them in front of your children. Your husband pops in to see his parents now and then, without you, or the kids, because he knows that you won’t like him taking the kids along because then your in-laws will have a bond to them which does not include you. Actually, everyone else can see that you are uncomfortable with your husband having close relationships that don’t include you. The relationship between your husband and his parents is strained as they know he won’t discuss your behavior with you and they are deeply hurt that their grandchildren are being turned against them. The trouble with this is, your husband reneges on his God-given responsibility to honor his mother and father (check out this great article by Tim Challies on what it means to honor your mother and father) and his parents are badly hurt by their son’s rejection of them and their exclusion from their grandchildren’s lives. You put up walls and create bitterness and resentment in your heart which only grows with time. Your husband begins to lose your respect as he allows you to rule over him. Your kids fear your disapproval and see that dad is not the “head of the house”, you are. The wonderful things your in laws have to offer: love, good advice, life experience, moral support, encouragement and a sense of belonging to your children, is lost.

Scenario 2: Your son gets married and you try to (heck, you expect to) stay first in his life. You criticize his wife in front of him (in a joking way of course), you guilt-trip your son when he chooses her over you, and you set to divide them so you can “win” as his favorite/ first love. You make sure to cook all your sons favorite meals, look beautiful and put-together whenever you see her (especially while she is fat and haggard looking after having had her first baby) and buy bigger, better presents for your grandchildren than your son and his wife can afford (I can’t help wanting to spoil my darlings!). You ignore her requests of you (please don’t give the kids any more chocolate) and if she says no to something you want (please can the kids sleep over), you ask your son instead, because you know he will never say no to you. If she confronts you, you cry and claim “no foul”. It breaks your son’s heart to see his mother cry and he wonders why his wife would be so cruel to you. The trouble with this behavior is, firstly, that you have set your will against the will of God (Genesis 2:24). You put strain on your son’s relationship with his wife. You create conflict between them that their children are affected by.  To paint a different picture: wouldn’t you rather support your son as he puts his wife first? Wouldn’t you rather be kind and supportive of his wife as she finds her feet in her marriage? Wouldn’t you rather make your home “a safe place to land” for them instead of a war zone over who is the best in front of your son, her husband? Instead of trying to takeover from her as wife and mother to your son and your grandchildren, wouldn’t you like to smile as you watch this young family grow together? Wouldn’t you rather she sought your advice instead of, in bitterness and jealousy, sneer at her failures? Instead of telling all your friends, and anyone who will listen to you, what a nasty piece of work your son married, wouldn’t you like her to hear via the grapevine that you have spoken highly of her, affirmed her (and maybe even defended her)? Dear sister, word gets around. She knows how you speak of her. She can see it in the shape of your face and the tone of your voice. There is no poison you are speaking that is hidden from the woman you are poisoned against.

Now the question is: why would any of us be this DIL or MIL? The reason we women do this is that we are afraid. We are afraid of being lonely, we fear rejection, and disgrace, and we will do whatever it takes to control the people around us so they are too afraid to do anything to upset us. We know that essentially we are not good enough. We also don’t believe that the ones we love are truly loyal to us. Manipulation becomes the name of the game. Dishonesty too, as we bat our eyelashes, use the silent treatment, withhold our respect, or fill our eyes with tears instead of just admitting, we will do whatever it takes to stay/ get on top so that we don’t lose our husband or child. When we are operating this way, it is because we have a warped identity. Instead of experiencing the love and security of knowing we are Christ’s beloved and He watches over us with His loving eye on us, to do us good, we act the beggar/ the outcast. We believe that we can construct enough walls to protect ourselves and build up enough human approval to take away our own disgrace. Instead of loving God first and all other things second, we have idols in our lives and serve them out of our own selfish interests, not God. We go through life hurting ourselves and hurting others, refusing to face the truth in our own evil hearts.

It is the pattern of this world to win over the other women in our lives. It is very “Beverley Hills Housewives” of us to put down the women we know and highlight their every sin and failure. It is Satan’s will for our families for there to be discord, distrust and fear. It is Satan’s will for marriages to fail and children to see their fathers every second weekend and for their mothers to bring home different men as she seeks to find a new husband, in the way in which our culture dictates that she must do it. It is Satan’s will that grandmothers be lonely and bitter. This is NOT God’s will for families, and not what He tells us to do in the Bible.

His GOOD and PLEASING will for MILs, is that your DIL wants to spend time with you and includes you in family events. God wants your grandchildren to adore you. God expects your son and DIL to show you honor. God’s will for you DIL is that you honor and value your MIL, treating her with deference and respect, seeking ways to show her love, speaking well of her and highlighting her wonderful qualities (you must be able to find one, surely, even if it is just her perfect pork roast). It is God’s will for you to promote a close relationship with your kids and both sets of grandparents; to have husband who loves and admires you; children who look up to you; and DILs of your own, one day, who call you for your advice and drop their kids off with you. That when you are old your DIL comes to take you shopping, to the hairdresser, for coffee, for lunch, because she WANTS to!

What do you do if you are the in law who is not experiencing God’s perfect will for her? Be reconciled. First to God because He is the one who searches the hearts of all people. The very first step to being reconciled to God is to (verbally) confess your faith in Jesus Christ as the son of God, and believe that He died on the cross for your sins and the sins of all mankind. Then, repent of your sin. Confess that He, God, is not first in your heart and ask Him to help you get your priorities straight. Receive His forgiveness by faith. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” 1 John 1:9. Ask to know Him better so that you can love Him more. (God loves to do this for us).  Then, confess honestly that you hate your MIL/ DIL and ask God to heal you of this hatred. Pray for her. You can start small, like: “Please God make her less of a nasty-piece-of-work”. Eventually you can work your way up to prayers like: “Please God change me so that I can be merciful, kind, and patient no matter what she says or does”. Then, this is a hard one, forgive her. I have always had a hard time knowing what this means and how to do this. I read a great book on the subject called: “Total Forgiveness” by R.T. Kendall. Basically, it means wanting to want to do it (life with your DIL/ MIL) God’s way and forgive her because He has forgiven you, asking Him to change your heart and give you the wisdom to see her as He sees her and then, saying “I forgive her” over and over till your heart and mind believe it. When you think about the nasty things she has done and when she is nasty to you, you take it straight to God: “God, help me! She is a nasty-piece-of-work and I hate her guts. Help me because I want to want to stop hating her guts but it is SO hard. Help me to forgive her. You say to forgive 70 times 7 (Matthew 18:21-22) and I’ve lost count of how many times she has been mean to me. Help me so the this not be the time I completely lose it with her.” Or something to that effect. You then continue to seek the mind of Christ toward her not growing “weary in well doing for at the proper time you will reap a harvest, if you do not give up” Galatians 6:9. You turn over your thoughts, attitudes and opinions to Christ. Whenever you think of her faults, you think, but Jesus loves her. He died for her. Deep down (sometimes waaaaaaayyyyy down deep) she wants to be loved and accepted. She is insecure because she can’t believe anyone would love her for herself so she has to manipulate and control. She doesn’t trust me (her mother-in-law or daughter-in-law) because she has been rejected by women in her life. She has never know real love, the love that comes from God that is not based on appearances or behavior. Repent of your hatred, till it turns to dislike, till it turns to acceptance, till it turns to love, asking God to change you and heal your relationship. In time, in lots and lots of time, you will see the effects. First, you will find you have a depth of character and a new sweetness that you never had before. You will begin to reflect Christ by displaying patience, kindness, goodness, self-control as you persevere in doing good to her.

A word of warning here. Guard your heart. Take it slow. Continue with reinforcing healthy boundaries. You may never be friends, although, of course we pray that is part of the harvest. Your DIL/ MIL may never be someone you can trust with your heart but you can love her in a respectful, considerate and merciful way. You can put her needs ahead of your own and build her up to others, including your husband/ son, children/grandchildren, to everyone.

You may be also tempted to ask: why have you been so unfairly treated to be given such a hateful MIL or DIL? You may think to yourself:”It isn’t fair!” The answer, I am afraid, is because you need them. Whatever it is in you that they bring out is what God wants to deal with you about. Your idolatry; your victim mindset; your manipulativeness; your fear; your competitiveness; your unmercifulness; your impatience; your lack of self-control… Everything God allows us to experience is done in mercy IF we will be trained by it. James 1:2 “Consider it pure joy, my sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking in anything.” “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28. God chose your DIL/ MIL to make you who He knows you can be: patient in suffering, faithful in prayer, merciful, and kind. A woman of grace and wisdom who builds up her house instead of destroys; a woman who uses a kind word to turn away anger; who is willing to be slighted, wronged, and slandered because she knows that her worth is not found in human eyes but in God’s sight. He who searches our hearts will reward us. You may have to wait till heaven, but then again, you may not. You may have what my good friend, Shirley now has with her mother in law. It took 44 years, but her mother-in-law adores her, relies on her and has found in Shirley a faithful friend, a minister of grace. Her MIL put her down, shamed her and despised her but because Shirley held on to Jesus she came out the other side a better woman. She came out with faith purified like gold and she would tell you: “It was worth it!” Even if your DIL/ MIL never likes you, you will have kept your family safe. By being merciful, kind, patient and loving to a woman who doesn’t deserve it, you will win the esteem of your son/ husband and his gratitude forever. Your grandchildren/ children will have an example of what Christ’s love looks like. They will have an example of how to endure trials in life; how to respond to adversity. If you are the DIL currently being trained in this adversity, then one day, when you are a MIL, your DILs will find you to be a woman of grace and compassion who affirms them and loves them, who treats them not as they deserve but as their position allows them. This is, after all, how our Father in heaven treats us, not as we deserve but as our position, redeemed by Jesus, allows us. You will have been trained in righteousness and the best thing ever: Your Father in Heaven will be proud. He will say: “Well done my good and faithful servant. Come and share in Your Master’s happiness.”

“He who calls you is faithful, and He will do it” 1 Thess 5:24

If you are in the midst of a DIL or MIL relationship struggle, I can recommend the book: “Related by Chance, Family By Choice” by Deb DeArmond. If you are new to faith in Jesus, I would look for a Church of God church in your area. Their churches are found all over the world, they are non-denominational, bible-believing churches where ALL are welcome. You can contact them via their website on churchofgod.org to find out where to find a church in your area. I would also listen/watch/ read Joyce Meyer and go to lifeway.com to get some books/ bible studies by Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer, Kelly Minter, to name but a few.